It's too important to stay the way it's been.

I need this roadtrip so bad. All I do lately is think of all the places I miss and the smells and tastes I relate to them. I smell my Dr. Pepper chap stick and all of a sudden all these memories of San Francisco come flooding back. I put on this vanilla lavendar lotion and all I can think about is Sun Valley. I can’t even figure out why that smell triggers that. I must have had some lotion that was similar or something. When I wash my face in the morning, I think of Palm Springs. When I put on my perfume (which isn’t very often), I think of Palm Springs. I’m sick of being so nostalgic and I’m sick of being in one place. I want to move around and I want to be happy and I want to travel. I want to stop feeling like I’m getting stabbed whenever I think about Sundance and Park City and everything that’s going on starting last night. I remember last year when we left on that first Sunday and I was so mad at myself and I don’t think I have ever bit my lip so hard in my life and I was sitting in my uncle’s car and then I was sitting on that plane and then I was sitting in my dad’s car and then sitting again in my room and I couldn’t think of any time I had ever wanted to see Seattle from the sky less. I’ve never dreaded going home so much. The whole time we were leaving it just kept bothering me how much I was missing and how the festival just kept going even after I left. I promised myself I’d be back for 2010 and here I am, in Bellingham. I remember sitting in the living room in Park City talking about coming back and my parents said they weren’t going to come but my aunt said I could come and crash on their floor. I said there was no way I’m ever missing it again. We talked about how I would be at UW and I could drag along my roommate or some of my new friends. Here I am in Bellingham. This thought made me so sick last year. It’s so hard to get used to. I need a job so I can travel to all the places I want to. I’ve been doing a lot of planning for our roadtrip this summer, a lot of planning the details. I need this roadtrip; if not to get away, then to distract me now. I know it may not happen... It probably won’t happen. Maybe it will. I don’t know. I never know who I can depend on anymore. But I’ve got verbal commitments and I’ve got a plan. We’re going to see all the good stuff and we’re going to be alive. I think I hate weekends. I arranged my classes this quarter so that I would have Fridays off so I could have that ONE long weekend for Sundance. Now it’s just taunting me. Next weekend will probably suck more than this one does. At least I’ve got Sunday.