i would talk more frequently, but i'm used to being alone

I keep thinking about how it's too bad that I'll look back on this month and I won't think of all the beautiful places I saw and how the season took over and I drove through the countryside and saw the tall grass and orange leaves and gray sky but I've been acting like I'm stranded here. I'm making the worst of this situation. I'm so sick of myself and my negativity, I need to start working to get what and where I want. I don't take the time for the things that really make me happy anymore. I don't know if I really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to improve myself so much. Anyways, this week, I will walk to my car and I will take a day for myself and I will drive around this place that is still fairly foreign and I will find the beauty and I just really hope that I can get myself to pick up the camera, MY camera, the one I called my best friend and I taught myself how to express myself with, I hope I can pick up that camera and find a way to capture what I'm feeling, whatever that actually is. I just started playing the playlist I made last May when I wanted to stop thinking about YOU and YOU. Oh my God, you two. I don't know how I made up all these things in my mind to drive me so crazy, I don't know if I made it up or if it was REAL but I sure as hell thought each of you was leading me on. This is just going to be a good, long ranting blog. You were in my dream last night. I don't think I've dreamed of you in a while, but I did last night. It was one of those where you forget until a while after you wake up and then something triggers the memory. We are always talking in my dreams when you're there. That's the thing, I loved talking to you, and I told you so. I could never be that honest with anyone else. I hope I find that again. Anyways, I made that playlist in May and of course I couldn't forget about either of you, but I drove around that night I had the house to myself, and I drove and drove and listened and listened and then I rented a couple movies and got Taco Bell. I miss my old life. I don't like it here. It's nice. I appreciate it for what it is, but I really really just do not feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I miss Seattle. I always miss Seattle. I'm sorry if it gets annoying that I say that so much. But Seattle and Jared, Dan, South, Chris, and John are missed every single day with every ounce of my being. Something is not right with me. I really hope that Liv and I can go to Utah in January. Sundance made me feel alive and so incredibly happy. Leaving was horrible. Thirty days until Thanksgiving. I spend so much time staying in one place, waiting for people to come around and see me. I want to be the one moving around all the time, living out of a suitcase. I want to see the world and I want my friends to ask ME when I'LL be coming around. I saw a comment I left for my cousin a long time ago asking when he'd be back in Washington and it made me think about that. He got out, he's doing what he wants, and I hope he is so happy. I want him to be so happy. I love these headphones. I want to travel so much. My mom said over the weekend that I don't realize how young I am, and I think that's part of her problem. I'll agree, of course she's partly right. But she lives like she has so much time. I don't like that. I want to do everything right now because YOU DON'T KNOW if you'll have the chance in twenty years or ten years or five or even in one year to do it. Oh my GOD, I need to get back to New York City. I feel so BAD when I think about how I just CAN'T go to school in New York City or San Francisco or even Seattle. I wish I could apply to the private universities in Seattle, especially Cornish. Oh my god, Cornish. It makes me feel so bad. I don't even get the option. And the worst thing is UW. Before I found out that I didn't get in, I was talking to my mom about it and I said how it's the only place I really want to go and she said something along the lines of that's what we need to know, we can get you in there. And how my aunt said we could petition and pull all these strings to get me in. And then I got that letter and all of a sudden it was just Western for my mom. She was so unsupportive, I've never seen her like that. I wrote my letter of petition and I sent my transcripts and the only people I told were my cousin and Monica and Jeannette and Tabby and I think that was it. I feel so bad about everything. I wish we were still friends, I wish nothing changed. I miss you so much. I think you were the closest I've ever had to a normal best friend. I wish so bad that everything didn't change with you and I guess I even wish that I could have just been okay with your changes but that's not really how I would have wanted things. But seriously, I miss you. So much. I have no idea what to do with my life. I don't like being here because I feel like I'm going to school for nothing. I want to be aiming toward something. I need somebody. I'm talking to a computer.