a lot of these posts are turning out to be about you. do you know how long it's been? of course you do. it's been too long for you to still be what I think about when my mind is drifting. tonight I caught myself thinking about what I miss about you. this just feels so unhealthy. we drove by that park and i thought about the careful way you said those words. I had forgotten it. I was there but it felt like you were talking more to everyone else. I could have imagined it but you searched my face when you said that word like you were trying it on. it must have fit well because things haven't changed in the nineteen months since then. i feel so embarrassed for some of the desperate attempts I made. thirty one months ago. that's enough time to let someone go, am I right? I thought I had closure, I had a damn good run of closure. But here you are, I haven't seen you face to face eighteen months, and you're cluttering my mind, setting up camp in my subconscious while you play games with me still in my dreams. it's exhausting and I know you made up your mind about me so long ago but it's just too hard to let someone go like that when you've never met anyone like them ever and you can't fight the feeling that you never will again. fuck you for being a once in a lifetime. my mom says you can't always have everything but sometimes it's amazing how things work out, it's like that's her mantra or something. i'm just waiting for this to work out. even if I never see you again, if you're happy, I'm happy. I hope you get everything you told me you wanted out of life.