you killed her in waves

I gave up my self control a couple weeks ago. I was so proud. But I threw it away and now I don't really care. I guess I'm not in as honest of a mood as I thought I was, three different statements were each just flowing through my mind and filtered out for being too blunt and too scary and too scabby. I'm a little bit angry at myself for waking up this morning and wishing so intensely that my dream was my reality. It had been a while since you came to my bed to pour salt in my wounds. You were there and it seems like you showed up like you always used to, so carefree and flowy and smooth. Why would I go for something like that? You were there and it was so goddamn comfortable. Our knees could touch when we sat criss-cross and your face wasn't sunken in like I think it is today. You let me comfort you and you let me rest my head on your shoulder. That could have never really happened, right? You confessed things almost as candidly as you used to, I guess the only difference was in my dream I wasn't stumbling over every thought in my head that tried to escape out my mouth. Things came out simply and the way I meant them. That could have never really happened. In the back of my mind, I wondered about her but couldn't make myself care enough to ask. I was too distracted by how happy I was just to see you again, just to be so close to you. I couldn't help but think how perfect things would be, now that I'm older, now that I have a grip on myself and I know who I am. Those things aren't even true but at least I'm different. I was so happy to see you and I wish I knew if I ever showed up in your dreams because you are constantly littering mine. Even when I think you're gone, you come back so suddenly and that makes me angry with myself. It makes it impossible to forget you. I wish I knew if you even thought of me every now and then and I wish I knew what that all MEANT to you. It could be so much better now and I shouldn't even be thinking that.