but it's coming at a bad time

the way my hair still smells like smoke. the way my eyes get foggy at the end of the day. the way it felt when I heard "adventures in solitude" on the way to the grand canyon and it's like when you hear a song over and over and then ONE TIME you hear it and EVERYTHING about that song means more and feels different than it ever could have before. that just clicked as i was laying in the back seat of my sister's car pretending to sleep while I kept trying to not be so angry at myself. the way i thought i saw you today with a ferris wheel behind you and I still don't know if it was you or not, it's been over a year since we were together in person but nothing and I mean NOTHING has changed. it felt the same, maybe a little easier. but when we were in the car driving through the desert it occurred to me, "so then for THREE MORE YEARS we would never talk," maybe all I have to do is keep waiting for you and we can both just keep living on our own and growing and learning and if you're meant to wander back into my life, you will and I can't make you change your mind or understand what all that meant to me two years ago. when i heard that line and made that connection, i realized that only left one more year to wait but with my track record that could be extended so much longer. the way i think in the shower and can never remember the poetic way my mind arranges words by the time i want to write them down. the way my comforter feels on bare skin and how it feels to fall asleep on a mattress on the floor while ryan's sitting on the couch and we watch jimmy fallon and carson daly when everyone else in the house is sleeping in a house i could never live in and a life i could never have. the way a change of seats can mean a drastic change in mood and a storm of self destruction. the way you scroll through your phone for anyone to talk to, anyone, ANYONE. one by one they're really leaving because you made them leave. the way i'm proud of my eating habits and confused by my sleep patterns and exhausted by my thought process. the way i'm frustrated by my shitty art and my ordinary future. the way i'm crushed by guilt when my mom tells me how proud she is of me and the way she screamed today when i went on a ride with her at lake fair because it's her birthday and how i couldn't stop laughing and smiling. the way i miss my best friend and get used to her absence and try to stop myself from settling for it. the way it feels to be awake before the sun in the back seat again and the city's lit up and you stop for gas in a town that doesn't even have normal gas pumps or frappuccinos. the way i'm pretending my life up north doesn't exist and the way it never felt like it did, even when i was living it. the way i've had one of my all time best and all time lowest worst years of my life at the same time. i'm not sure how that even works.