last looks
I feel like I could have seen you for the last time today. If it was, it has got to be the worst goddamn closure I've ever seen.
It's funny, you always put me and the word melancholy together. I took it as a compliment but now I wish I could just go back and be normal, and get it right.
It's funny to me because melancholy was exactly how it felt today. I felt accomplished because you didn't make me sick to my stomach and you didn't make me shake. I've never had that kind of composure around you, but I just could not bring myself to look you in the eye. You hurt me without meaning to, I used you as a tool to hurt myself. I could not look at you today and my entire body burned and froze and pulsed and tightened and released all at the same time when I saw you kiss her.
I try to tell myself that you're not so special and there are plenty of boys out there that have your good qualities. I'm going to believe that now. I'm going to tell myself that everyday and stop looking for you in other people and maybe just accept the pieces of you that scatter my everyday life.
There have been plenty of times when I thought I was over you, really over you. Over every word you said and every song you played for me in your car. You always crept back into my subconscious and found my when I least expected it.
It snowed today, the priest said it was the coldest day of the year. Maybe this means things will be different because it was always spring that kept you close. I could use spring's help in pushing you all the way out of my brain for good this year. I used to secretly hope spring would always bring us back together but I know it can't.
I know I won't ever get it right and today sitting across the room from you, drinking from that bottle like I knew you were looking, it may as well have been three years ago again. Back then my friends would comment on my shaky hands and I couldn't admit that just the thought of being in the same room as you made me feel sick, the happiest most sober drunken sort of sick. The best sick. The sort of sick you live for.
But today before all those feelings came back, I was standing there, on the opposite end of the room and you should be looking straight ahead, big, life-changing things are happening straight ahead but I can see you through my camera and you are staring at me. I can't BREATHE with you looking at me like that! I stare back at you, as a challenge, trying to YELL AT YOU with my eyes "YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. YOU ARE SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR LIFE MIGHT FINALLY BE WORKING." I can't BREATHE with you looking at me! I realize you can't see me staring back through that view finder and I wait until you call uncle before I look away.
The worst part is you're exactly the same, but better. You wrote the perfect honest note like you did in those yearbooks. That part of you is still there. It looks like you've matured the way I wished you would and I wish I was the one adventuring with you these days. But you didn't work out the way I planned, a lot of things didn't work out the way I planned and I'm dealing with that every day.
I hope you're so happy, the truth is I hope I see you more often, I hope I can get the guts to say more than one word to you. I hope you stay this way. Every time I write about you I think it will be the last time. I think it takes a lot to get a boy like that out of your system. I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye to you today, I meant to.
If it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
It's funny, you always put me and the word melancholy together. I took it as a compliment but now I wish I could just go back and be normal, and get it right.
It's funny to me because melancholy was exactly how it felt today. I felt accomplished because you didn't make me sick to my stomach and you didn't make me shake. I've never had that kind of composure around you, but I just could not bring myself to look you in the eye. You hurt me without meaning to, I used you as a tool to hurt myself. I could not look at you today and my entire body burned and froze and pulsed and tightened and released all at the same time when I saw you kiss her.
I try to tell myself that you're not so special and there are plenty of boys out there that have your good qualities. I'm going to believe that now. I'm going to tell myself that everyday and stop looking for you in other people and maybe just accept the pieces of you that scatter my everyday life.
There have been plenty of times when I thought I was over you, really over you. Over every word you said and every song you played for me in your car. You always crept back into my subconscious and found my when I least expected it.
It snowed today, the priest said it was the coldest day of the year. Maybe this means things will be different because it was always spring that kept you close. I could use spring's help in pushing you all the way out of my brain for good this year. I used to secretly hope spring would always bring us back together but I know it can't.
I know I won't ever get it right and today sitting across the room from you, drinking from that bottle like I knew you were looking, it may as well have been three years ago again. Back then my friends would comment on my shaky hands and I couldn't admit that just the thought of being in the same room as you made me feel sick, the happiest most sober drunken sort of sick. The best sick. The sort of sick you live for.
But today before all those feelings came back, I was standing there, on the opposite end of the room and you should be looking straight ahead, big, life-changing things are happening straight ahead but I can see you through my camera and you are staring at me. I can't BREATHE with you looking at me like that! I stare back at you, as a challenge, trying to YELL AT YOU with my eyes "YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. YOU ARE SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR LIFE MIGHT FINALLY BE WORKING." I can't BREATHE with you looking at me! I realize you can't see me staring back through that view finder and I wait until you call uncle before I look away.
The worst part is you're exactly the same, but better. You wrote the perfect honest note like you did in those yearbooks. That part of you is still there. It looks like you've matured the way I wished you would and I wish I was the one adventuring with you these days. But you didn't work out the way I planned, a lot of things didn't work out the way I planned and I'm dealing with that every day.
I hope you're so happy, the truth is I hope I see you more often, I hope I can get the guts to say more than one word to you. I hope you stay this way. Every time I write about you I think it will be the last time. I think it takes a lot to get a boy like that out of your system. I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye to you today, I meant to.
If it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
posted by julia. at
7:24 PM
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