shouldn't this be uncomplicated joy? it's been four years that didn't bring me anything i thought i needed and six months that tried to drown me but now i'm thinking of that day when i was throwing around ideas because i needed you to hear them or maybe i just needed to get them to stop rattling around in my brain. i think it was four years ago? i think it was pretty clear i wasn't happy so you made me make some goals and graduating with my bachelors was one. we sat by the water by kurt's house and all i wanted was to be there in seattle so now it's four years later and i can finally leave but i can't get myself to do anything. it's a great thing to graduate and come out on the other end and people have been very nice but the thing is none of this was done in a way that felt good to me.
i was driving back to my apartment tonight and all of a sudden i didn't want to leave at all and it felt pretty sad. it's really probably just nostalgia taking over but i started thinking about all those drives i took when it got unbearable to be alone and getting lost on roads leading every direction. sitting in parking lots and reading to pass the time and dragging my camera around even though i never took pictures of anything. so i took the long way home tonight and took it in and thought about how even though it was never where i pictured myself, this place became a backwards home that never brought out the best in me and it will be a little sad to leave.