lately has been littered with a couple moments of taking responsibility for myself for the first time and trying to quit playing the blame game. i don't know why it felt earth shattering when i realized these last five years any pain or shame was really a consequence of a decision that I MADE no matter how small. that sounds like a good way to start feeling shitty about yourself but it actually felt like a weight lifted. i understand the last seven or eight months spent shopping around for life advice did more harm than good and as cluttered as my mind feels i get that i'm the one calling the shots here. it gets hard when you constantly just shut down but i guess i figured out i'm just scared, of most things. today i caught myself locking my knees when i'm supposed to talk about the future and i practiced communication and patience and it seems important to use words even if you have to take a minute to compose yourself. it turns out there are a lot of worries and insecurities at the root of all my hesitance and maybe if i can start sorting them out one at a time it will be easier to want things and understand how i can earn things that can make me feel good. that shit that holds me down does not mean it's not worth it to try things.
also if i wrote a memoir it would probably be called It's Finally Summer and I'm Craving the Fall: Story of My Life